If our StrengthsFinder Talents give us the most poignant clues about our deepest psychological and emotional needs, then the logical next step is getting those needs met.
It would be glorious if the people around us saw our needs and swept in with their pixie dust to meet them. Reality says, however, that is rarely how it works.
When I was in college, I was lonely. I had plenty of good friends and a serious boyfriend. I went to all the dances, socials, and parties. I enjoyed my classes, had meaningful relationships with my professors, and long philosophic conversations with my peers.
But I was lonely. Like heart-achingly lonely.
I remember one particular day, driving out of our cozy Covina neighborhood, sobbing at the steering wheel. My eyes, much too blurry for driving, stung with the desire for a real girl friend. My soul craved a friend who could sit in the sorrows of an off day with my guy, a friend who could share the deepest of questions without fear of shame, a friend who would belly laugh and create in the kitchen and fall asleep talking into the night.
I longed for it, I looked for it, I prayed for it. But that friendship, that meaningful connection, did not come.
Only years later, did I find myself reflecting on those lonely days, realizing that somehow something had changed. Those years later, I found myself among the deepest of friends, sharing the mundane and celebrations and sorrows, in the very ways I had longed.
And some of those friends had been there all along.
I did not have words for it at the time, but this longing of a lonely heart was the deepest psychological and emotional need of my Connectedness strength—meaningful connection.
As my mind and heart craved friendship and connection during those college days, it was me who was in the way.
I never dared tell anyone.
I never dared ask.
I never dared let myself open enough to receive what I was longing for.
It was like I was standing outside a locked door, banging and screaming, vying to get inside; but all along it was locked from the outside.
I expected someone else, that magical friend, to swoop in and meet my needs,—to see that I am wired to connect—without the slightest hint from me that I wanted more.
Those years later, I finally stopped screaming at the door long enough to realize it was me who needed to reach down and unlock it. Only when I was ready to reach out and connect, drop my own defenses and dare to be authentically present, was I ready to really connect.
It was me who needed to take the first step in meeting that need.
The same is true of all of my other Strengths, as well. And yours. They all have needs. And we, ourselves, set ourselves up to thrive when we take steps toward meeting those needs.
Even to this day, I still struggle with this.
I want those around me to see that I need freedom to work at my own pace (Achiever) and give me that freedom without having to ask for it. I want them to see that I need time to think (Intellection) and freely give me space. I want them to see my need for detailed order (Discipline) and dot every i and cross every t without my having to ask.
But the truth is, in my loneliness or in confining restrictions on my time or in this extraverted world, I have had to figure out what I must do to start to get these needs met. Of course, this does not happen in a vacuum (or at the expense of others), but it is my own work on meeting my own needs that is the catalyst to creating the environments that will help my Strengths thrive.
And, it is your own work, meeting your own needs, that is the catalyst to helping you thrive as well.
So, try this one out to get started on Step 8 in your own life-changing story through your Strengths:
- Think through the needs you identified in #7. (If you haven’t already, use this Bring and Need of StrengthsFinder tool to zero in on your most fundamental needs.)
- In your current, daily environment — at work and at home — which are regularly being met?
- Which are not? (That frustrating moment you identified in #7 will be the best clue here.)
- What happens when those needs are not met? (e.g. I turn into some sort of irrational, insecure, self-preservationist…not my finest moments.)
- Brainstorm and choose 2 ideas for how you could better meet those needs in your work or home life.
- Live it out and make the change.
Every small step to more intentionally live out of your own Strengths is a step closer to the more energetic, and less frustrated, daily work and life you want.
{Check out the FREE 3 page Checklist to commit to taking your next Step to life-change through your Strengths}
I would be remiss to leave out one last thought.
While it is essential to take intentional steps to meet our own needs, the most significant and successful relationships and teams also look out for the needs of the people around them. They recognize needs and try to help meet them. The most beautiful marriages and the most powerful teams arise from a group of people who actually do swoop in with a little bit of pixie dust, and meet the needs around them.
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As always, let me know how you are coming along on your own “Strengths Journey.” I want to help you! So connect with Isogo over on Facebook, Twitter or LinkedIn.
One of the best places to join the conversation is over at our Facebook Group — Energy Up Frustration Down by Strengths. Join us for weekly chatting, complaining and commending, as we all try to figure out just how to use our Strengths to impact the most important things around us—in our work and life.
{In the meantime, Check out the FREE 3 page fillable OR printable Checklist to follow the 9 Steps to Life Change through your Strengths}
Stay tuned for next week as we dive into our last STEP…Step 9! Or check out the summary of Steps 1-9 in this previous blog post.
If you’re ready for expert insights about your StrengthsFinder Top 5 that go beyond your standard report, but maybe are not ready for a full-on coaching conversation, I’ll send you my maven insights and a real story on each of your Top 5 Strengths, straight to your inbox. Would love to help you make your Strengths “work” for you.
Enjoy your day, and {be strong}!
