It always feels a little ironic to write about marriage. We’re not exactly the spotlight of ease and grace in our marriage. Yet, we keep coming back to each other — for the next burst.
Just like in history, that turns out to be the key.
Keep Coming Back for the Next Burst
I read recently about the cyclical nature of industry development. History tells us that new industries burst from innovation, build in competition, grow in consolidation, plateau in comfort…then burst once more.
It strikes me that long standing, long lasting, strong marriages are much the same. We are cyclical in nature.
The burst of excitement and newness, the building of life together, the growth in complexity, the plateau in a new normal…then, hopefully, a burst once more.
Just like in business, the plateau stage is easy to get stuck in. Your comfort turns into complacency. You feel underwhelmed or overwhelmed. You turn your focus outward instead of inward. You get distracted and easily annoyed by the same quirks that used to draw you in and put you in awe.
So how do you pursue the next burst? How do you reignite your marriage and begin the cycle anew?
3 Ways to Keep Coming Back for the Burst
1 :: Redefine Your Offenses
The Strengths perspective changed our marriage. Seven years in, the same conversations spiraled downward over and over.
Our 7 year “burst” was kindled by discovering our strengths. We began to redefine offenses — those things that spiraled downward — in terms of strength.
When we were dumfounded by each other, we started to ask — how could this be coming from a place of strength? At the heart of almost every conflict, to this day, we can find a hint of strength.
You can do the same in your marriage — to keep coming back to each other.
The core discovery is that your partner’s strengths give you clues to what he/she needs to thrive. When those needs are being unmet or worse, trampled or belittled, conflict arises. And when not addressed, resentment grows.
In our relationship, for David, when he feels frustrated or dumbfounded, it’s almost always about how driven I am to get things done. My frequent ability to miss the meaning in relationships just perplexes him sometimes.
But, when he steps back and sees that it’s my Achiever talent that’s behind my drive, he can see that there is possibly beauty in it.
From that point, he either helps me see a different perspective by using my own Achiever language, which is extremely helpful, or he just decides that there might be good in it after all.
If you don’t already have the Bring It | Need It resource, based on Gallup’s theme definitions, it is a helpful place to start, to begin to redefine offenses and add a burst into your marriage to restart that cycle.
2 :: Plan a Delighting Moment
This is my favorite type of burst that will keep you coming back to each other. Based on your spouse’s strengths, plan a delighting moment or experience.
One year, after a Navy deployment, I planned several get-togethers with friends I had made while he was gone.. He enjoyed them and loved getting to know our new friends, yet when I look back, what he really wanted was an RV trip around the country with just us—his wife and kids.
If I had been attuned to his strengths — in this case, his Relator Strength — I would have seen this ahead of time and planned differently for a more delighting experience.
To this day, I can provide a burst by just putting a date night on the calendar. Shame on me for not doing it more!
If you’d love to bring a burst into your marriage cycle, try it. Use your partner’s strengths to plan a delighting moment or experience. For a simple idea for each of the 34 CliftonStrengths, download this free chart: 34 Ways to Connect with Your Spouse.
3 :: Spark the Routine
Remember, grand trips overseas and fancy new electronics don’t have to be your go-to burst to keep coming back to each other. Based on your partner’s strengths, you can add a spark to your everyday routines.
It’s possible that…
A Relator’s eyes will shine when you put a date night on the calendar. {David is a case in point on that one!}
An Includer will be filled when you plan a game night or pizza night with the neighborhood couples.
An Analytical will thrive when you show special interest in his most recent research and questions.
An Achiever will come alive when you make an intentional effort to add checkmarks to her list.
A Self-Assured will light up when you reflect back to him the confidence you have in him.
Some of these things take an evening and a few dollars, others just take the commitment of 15 eye-to-eye minutes of sincerity. To say I see you, I love you, and I want to keep coming back to you.
I want that burst.
What else do you do to add a “burst” to your marriage cycle when your at a normal or a plateau? I’d love to hear! Comment below or message me directly here.
And, if you try out one of these 3 ways to keep coming back to your spouse, I wish you the absolute sweetest success.
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